Take this quiz to see if sensational weather reporting has numbed you to the sense of actual risk — or put your climate anxiety through the roof.
Your local meteorologist says a polar vortex is coming. You
- Add insulation to your attic and weatherstripping to your doors
- Prepare your will
- Wear a beanie
The weather report says your area will be hit by an atmospheric river. You
- Buy a flood insurance policy
- Build a life-raft out of your dining room table
- Take advantage of the empty golf course to get in a leisurely round of 18
Your weather app shows that a weather cyclone bomb is on its way. You
- Top off all generators and fuel tanks prior to the storm’s arrival
- Lure a moose into your home, kill it, then keep alive inside its still-warm corpse
- Test your theory that cool guys like you are perfectly fine wearing shorts outdoors in winter
The evening news shows a 3D display of the inside of an approaching tornado that looks like a scene from Into the Storm. You
Test yourself on this quiz to see what catastrophic weather reporting has done to your climate anxiety. #quiz #humour #satire #ClimateAnxiety #media #meteorology #weather #WeatherForecast #forecast #journalism #news #ExtremeWeather #research
- Board up your windows
- Plunder your neighbour’s house for supplies
- Head over to KFC before their two-for-one Bucket Meal special expires
Your local weather reporter warns a heat dome will enter your area. You
- Cover windows with drapes or shades
- Use yoga to slow your heart rate and metabolism and sit perfectly still until ambient temperatures return to normal
- Go on an eight-hour, high-exertion trail run
The meteorologist cautions the waters where you’re sailing will be hit by a tornadic waterspout. You
- Double-anchor your boat
- Fall on your knees and wail, “Lord, what have I done to deserve thy wrath?”
- Create lasting memories for your family by taking them on a sunset Champagne cruise
The forecast calls for an ARkStorm. You
- Learn your region’s evacuation routes
- Build an ark out of gopherwood and tar, as God commanded Noah to do in the Bible
- Turn on Disney+ and watch Noah, starring Russell Crowe
The FOX Weather report says, “In a furious display of nature’s wrath, the worst winter storm since the Second World War will pummel your region with intense, damaging winds that threaten to topple power lines and leave more than half a million people stranded without electricity, most of whom will perish in the cold, their frozen bodies preserved in ice until the spring thaw when the putrefying, unholy odour of decomposing human flesh can be smelled hundreds of miles downwind.” You
- Winterize your home
- Build a 4,000-square-foot underground steel survival bunker
- Fantasize about being trapped in a survival bunker with that hot FOX meteorologist
How did you do?
If you answered mostly As, congratulations! You may actually have what it takes to survive in these times of sensational reporting about extreme weather conditions.
If you answered mostly Bs, you are paranoid about the weather. Why not take a few deep breaths? You’re still alive — at least until the storm hits.
If you answered mostly Cs, sensation-seeking weather reports have thoroughly desensitized you to the risks of severe storms. Yes, your life may someday be destroyed by a powerful storm, but at least you won’t have any worry lines on your forehead when it happens.
Paul Razzell is a humour writer based in Victoria, B.C.
Lisa Pertoso is a humour writer, learning designer, and facilitator based in NYC. Her work has appeared in Glamour, Insider, The Belladonna Comedy, and more. Follow her on Medium and Twitter, and if you’re feeling frisky, jump into her dating time machine at 100 First Dates.