“I’m not going to COP27 for many reasons, but the space for civil society this year is extremely limited... The COPs are mainly used as an opportunity for leaders and people in power to get attention, using many different kinds of greenwashing.”

Greta Thunberg

Dear Ms. Thunberg,

We understand your reasons for boycotting this year’s UN COP27 climate conference in Sharm el-Sheik, Egypt. You said our five-star resort with 26 Red Sea pools is part of a greenwashing effort to deceive world leaders into believing Egypt is an eco-champion. And you suggest that our designated protest area, which includes two cabins, three geckos and 4,000 armed guards, is too remote from the conference to meaningfully support civil discourse. To assure you that this is not the case, we at the COP27 Complaints Department invite you to be our guest at a designated protest space inside King Tut’s tomb.

King Tut's tomb is still the most intact royal Egyptian tomb ever found, giving historians important information about this ancient culture. Photo by shutterstock

Greta, as the world’s most influential climate activist, you deserve a luxury experience away from the hubbub. Located 401 kilometres from the conference in the Valley of the Kings, Tut's tomb offered Egyptian royalty a quiet sanctuary for three millennia. Did you know that Tut first stayed in this suite when he was 19 years old, just like you? He loved it so much, he never left.

Your suite is a standalone cave in the burial chamber and includes a treasury to safely store your poster board and Sharpies, military trumpets and gilded statues.

#GretaThunberg chose to skip #COP27 because organizers failed to accommodate #ClimateActivists. @Paul_Razzell and @LAPertoso have a compromise they think might have worked. #humour #satire #environment #activism #ClimateChange #ClimatePolicy

The tomb features thick limestone walls to keep cool without AC, which is very good for the environment. Challenging world leaders to take immediate action on climate change from this space means your protest chants will resonate with rich acoustics.

Enjoy your adjoining annex to record videos using our top-of-the-line 1G internet. After so much protesting, you’ll need to refuel and order in Tomb Service.

Our Michelin-star chef has designed a menu inspired by ancient Egyptian cuisine. Taking into consideration your vegan diet, you’ll start each day with a three-course breakfast of yogurt, beer and fish. Lunch includes many of the foods enjoyed by King Tut himself, including beer, fish and yogurt. In the evening, delight in the traditional foods of the Fertile Valley with our signature beer-battered fish in a yogurt sauce.

Of course, COP27 is more than just a luxury retreat; it’s about people discussing the most pressing climate issues of our time.

COP27 is more than just a luxury retreat; it’s about people discussing the most pressing climate issues of our time. Photo via UNFCCC / Flickr (CC BY-NC-SA 2.0)

Your premium package includes dining with four Egyptian method actors who, while drinking pomegranate juice out of reusable straws, will talk freely about their country’s environmental accomplishments.

Bonus: they’re all young, hot and trained in ancient Egyptian reflexology. Snap a protest story for your Insta feed of you receiving a foot massage (be sure to use the hashtag #FreeSpeechInEgyptFeelsGreat).

Greta, will you be bringing an iPhone? Please note in Egypt, all iPhone users have reported that the voice of Siri has been replaced with “Sisi” — Egyptian President Abdel Fattah El-Sisi. As such, there are some questions Sisi cannot answer:

“Hey, Sisi, what are the health and climate impacts of Egypt’s coal-powered cement plants?”

“Hey, Sisi, open the Human Rights Watch website.”

“Hey, Sisi, is COP27 just a seaside reality show?”

This is merely a bug, and we have reported it to Apple.

Once you’re fully rested, you’ll be ready to bring your critiques to world leaders at the conference in person. Our most exclusive camel train will convey you from Tut’s tomb to Sharm el-Sheik.

As part of Egypt’s sustainability initiative, our camels have been genetically engineered not to emit methane, which explains why they have three humps. Your trek will take 14 days, and after the conference, we’ll send you home to Sweden in a superyacht.

Once you accept our exclusive invitation, we’d be honoured if you’d persuade Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to attend COP27. You see, we put a huge non-refundable deposit on the Justin Trudeau Climate Karaoke Hot Tub Party, and if that doesn’t go ahead, the entire conference will be a failure. We’ll make it worth your while by throwing in some UGG sheepskin slippers and an extra night in the tomb.

Sincerely,

COP27 Complaints Department

Paul Razzell is a humour writer based in Victoria, B.C. He works in communications and student recruitment at the University of Victoria.

Lisa Pertoso is a humour writer, learning designer and facilitator based in New York City. Her work has appeared in Glamour, Insider, The Belladonna Comedy, and more. Follow her on Medium and Twitter, and if you’re feeling frisky, jump into her dating time machine at 100 First Dates.

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I have it on very good authority that it was utterly possible in King Tut's time to eat vegan. Indeed, most workers and slaves did, as a matter of course.